Butthead Sports

Who would have ever thought that after all the dust cleared, that Jose Canseco would be standing tall … baseball and all its sluggers, even the comish Bud “Fifi boy” Selig crumbled at his feet… but that’s exactly what has happened. “He’s doing it for the money” when he published his book talking about steroid use in baseball and how he and Mark “Cry Baby” McGwire used to shoot up in the bathroom. Everyone hated him, everyone shun him and outcast him to the deepest realms of space… slowly but surely, he made his way back. The truth pulled him back in.

How awesome must he feel now? After all, he was alone in his boat, the boat of truth. Even with all these “star” players admitting steroid use now after years of denial, in their tearful, misty glowing Diane Sawyer interviews, they don’t tell the whole truth. For the love of God people will someone stand up and be a man? I guess all those years of roiding up really did shrink their balls, especially McGuire; he must have a little wilted purple fig down there. After all that, it seems that the fans really don’t care anymore…

And why would we? I’m fed up with the “outraged fans”, the people who think the records should have asterisks and all that bull…the truth is, the biggest fans are also to blame for this! Fans are the reason these games, and let me stress that word again GAMES, are so big… Don’t lie to yourself, the 1998 season was the biggest, greatest, most entertaining season in baseball history. 3 guys chasing history, battling every night, jacking up homers and getting jacked up themselves (Griffey Jr. now looks like the best slugger of all time btw right now, I’m delighted he has a belly and can’t run anymore as a reassurance he is clean). THE FANS LOVE IT! These guys get paid millions of dollars a year for what? To hit a ball with a piece of wood, or to throw a ball into a peach basket or to throw a loaf of bread to each other before someone else breaks their face… The fans love steroids ok, because it gave us the best entertainment.

So my question is, why do we care if they took steroids? Why do we test, and why need to? The integrity of the game you say? There is no such thing anymore. We pay our hard earned cash to watch athletes ENTERTAIN us, so why not let them do whatever they want for our entertainment? Movie stars get paid huge dollars because they make things for the “regular” person’s enjoyment. NOT because their service to the world is so important that we need to keep them happy…the complete opposite…in reality, they need to keep us happy. If the world were fair I think doctors would be the highest paid people on the planet, then maybe that guy that fixes my pc etc… If you want to see passion and integrity in the game, go watch a pickup game at Rucker Park, or on some empty field in Cleveland … don’t go to a pro game. If I’m gonna pay $100 to watch a baseball game, there better be someone juiced up, pummeling balls out of the park! If you want to play the game with integrity i.e. boringly, then make tickets $5 max and I’ll go get drunk and go home.

Something doesn’t add up…OOOOHHH ya I forgot … $$$$. They can’t charge us $5 to watch Kobe play at Staples… how is Dr. Buss going to pay for his Bentley? Silly me! This inflated currency in pro sports is a vicious cycle, players get paid more, ticket prices go up, teams get more revenue and so on and so forth, till you get JaMarcus Russell with $30 mil guaranteed money to be a 6′7″ moose on the field. Let him roid it up and I’d pay $200 to watch him then, a 6′7″ 375 lbs brick wall just running through people and jumping from the 20 yard line into the end zone… wouldn’t you??

That’s why at the end of the day, I think that Jose Canseco should be the commissioner of baseball. He doesn’t look like a toxic waste experiment like Bud, and above all, he out of all people, is a real man. Remember people, there’s no crying in baseball.