Have a tall one for Jimmy V and Cancer
ESPN’s ‘Have a beer’ week, formerly known as ‘Jimmy V’ week has now officially begun. Jimmy V week was originally established to serve the purpose of raising awareness about cancer and to promote donations to cancer research in order to help rid us from this horrible disease that claims the life of millions each year. The Jimmy V week had been enormously successful in its earlier years due to the illness and eventual death of Jimmy Valvano due to cancer, but in recent years, participation and interest in the cause has diminished. “People don’t really remember Jim anymore, all the younglings that are watching ESPN these days are usually high school drop outs and don’t even know what cancer is” says one butthead sports insider. “They pronounce it as ‘Kan-ker’ … those <explitive> bastards! <crying> They don’t know what it’s like! <crying>” when the interview was abruptly ended.
A producer for a new campaign told us that with the new HD TV’s in almost every household, showing the old footage of Jim Valvano rallying the troops is “Nasty” and she also added “It looks like he never brushed his teeth”. She claims that we need a new approach to the issue, we can’t have people thinking “this guy doesn’t have cancer, all I can see is dandruff”. That’s why this campaign is huge. The new wave of thought is to limit Jimmy V’s exposure to only the critical moments, and instead incorporate young children, hot women and maybe even a combination of both holding a cute animal, preferably dogs.
That is only the beginning. “We are not only trying to get sympathy through our special features that air on ESPN” adds the producer, “We are trying to get the viewer to experience extremely intense emotions for the people we feature, like this first kid that lost his vision in BOTH eyes to cancer and is describing his last moments of seeing, visiting the USC Trojans etc…and then…BOOM! Our most important aspect of the campaign…beer commercial!” This is the perfect time to bring comfort to the viewer after putting them on an emotional roller-coaster and playing their emotions like a fiddle, and since its cancer, it can’t be a happy ending. People will be stressed out, and once we show them a tall Miller Lite commercial, they will be running to the bar or liquor store and getting blitzed. Some people may ask what this has to do with cancer research, and the answer is simple. We have come to an agreement with the beer giants, that we will charge them an arm and a leg for these premium ad spots, and 20% of their fee will go to the Jimmy V foundation for cancer research. Not only that, but 20% of beer revenue reported this week will also be donated.
The authorities are also in on this new campaign. DUI arrests will go way up, and now violators can decide whether to go to jail for a week, or pay $200 as a new “community service violation fee” which will also be donated. “If we don’t act aggressively on this issue, everyone’s gonna have cancer before we find out how to stop this mother”. Plus if people drink more beer, they might get liver cancer and then they would care. We’re discussing a deal with major cigarette companies as well for the same purpose.
Moral issues you ask? How can you play with people’s emotions and feelings? “F – em” says the producer… “It’s cancer God damn it! If crack commercials were legal we’d air them for the cash we’re getting here”…
DISCLAIMER: In all seriousness, cancer is a serious illness that has claimed the life of multiple members of my own family, and this article is obviously completely fake. However, I did watch the feature this morning on ESPN abt the blinded young boy, and there really was a Miller Lite commercial RIGHT AFTER the piece, and that got me thinking….could this campaign be real? I felt like I needed a beer at 8am after that…Help out cancer research.