Butthead Sports

Athletecism at it's very best

While taking a dump this morning, I got to thinking. Peyton Manning pulled out another comeback win yesterday for the Colts over the Houston Texans to continue yet another undefeated start to a season. I was not impressed, and in my opinion, neither was Peyton. Since we have no way of contacting Manning, and “his people” would probably blow us off anyway if we did, I had only one choice. In my concentrated state of mind, I was able to telepathically connect with Peyton, and this is what I heard….

Well WillyDunka, we did have a close game yesterday, but our key players seem to some up big in big situations. We were struggling in the first half, as the Texans were playing some good D, but after the break we really had a turning point on a phantom 43- yard pass interference call by the refs. That was a really difficult play. Not every ref can pull that off. We’ve gone over it in practice and we just hoped that there was a defender in a 5 yard vicinity for the ref to really be able to show his talent and skill. The refs have been big all year, and this is just one of the big plays they are capable of. Every one plays a role.

We couldn’t have done it without some help from opposing teams defensive coordinators though. They have been giving us a hard time in first halves of games, but then as the game winds down, they have in turn pulled off incredible feats. I mean, all we do is pass, don’t they look at the film? Play some cover-2 a little, maybe some zone blitz, a couple of mixes in between, but what’s up with this all out blitz and the ever popular “none defense” where they just let Dallas Clark catch a 5 yard slant and go for another 50. I don’t even know the name of our running back. We need some practice here. I’d like to thank Bill Belichick for stepping up and calling that 4-2 play to take the pressure off of the def coordinator from actually calling good plays on the next series.

Most of all, I really attribute my outstanding play to the DSRL – Double Stuf Racing League. People underestimate how much rigorous training it takes to eat those things. They are REALLY stuffed man. You need some serious tongue action there. What people don’t understand is that my jaw and neck muscles have become so powerful that I am really intimidating the defense when I step up to the line looking like a bulldog neanderthal. These are the subtle differences that only a top professional athlete really works on and understands. Plus that oreo goodness makes my teeth black to be even more intimidating.

… I (WillyDunka) awoke after that and found myself wearing a Peyton Manning jersey and reading the “Indiana Chastity Belt Daily” newspaper, and felt compelled to bring this news to the nation before the Colts play a team in the cold outside or before they run into a team in the playoffs that actually plays pass defense. Some people may claim that this never happened, but I know what heard…and it wasn’t because I was constipated.