We don’t always get our way. Not at work, not at home, not even with our friends. Life isn’t fair, and even though sometimes we may deserve more, we have to make best with what we have. Wait a minute….I sound like “a man”, as in “take it like a man”. Someone who is responsible and stands up to their problems. Someone who doesn’t whine and cry about every misfortune in life…I admire people like that, and even though they tend to get the short end sometimes, they still have their dignity. On the other hand we have the cry babies : A group of whiny little bastards that think they are entitled to everything. For some reason, they are the chosen ones, and they will cry and squeal and pout until they get what they want…or get beaten up.
Sports is the ultimate medium for cry babies. Its such a grand stage to complain about calls, officials, game times, other teams and even your own team! We have had so many cry babies in sports that it is impossible to compile all of them into a list of 5, so what I did was create a list of current cry babies that are seldom regarded as such, since they are darlings in the eyes of the main stream sports media, but in reality are some of the biggest whiners ever. Hold on to your butt cheeks, you might be surprised…or have to pass gas.
No. 5 Serena Williams
WAAAAA!!!
Venus Williams explodes on to the tennis scene in the finals of the U.S. Open at the age of 17…. The Williams name is now known and is a household name. Oh! There’s another one of them, Serena. Serena “one-ups” her big sister and wins the U.S. Open at the age of 17. She goes on to win titles and grand slams, holding all 4 at one time. Serena is arguably considered the better Williams tennis player now, and the bigger cry baby. Serena’s temper tantrums are well known. She constantly complains about opponents, officials, crowds and calls. Most famously the recent call at the U.S. Open that caused her to get her panties into such a bunch that she basically charged the line judge, pointing fingers, yelling and threatening. I can only imagine the conversation, but here is an excerpt of my imaginary threat ” … I ….” actually, I take that back, Serena you’re great, everyone loves you (she might be reading this and now I’m scared she’ll find out where I live) …
No. 4 Cole Hamels
I'm farting gold dust...sniff it!
“World” Series MVP Cole Hamels everyone! Let’s all welcome him to this beautiful occasion! Cole come on out! …<clapping continues, no Cole>… <announcer into earpiece> “Where the F is Cole” … <response> “He had a bad pitching practice, and he’s crying backstage wanting his mommy” … That’s an exact re-enactment of what Hamels did this post season. What a difference a year can make. He had been having a rough year, but instead of gutting it out, and trying to step up to the occasion, he stepped into his crib and started crying and complaining that he “just wanted the season to be over”. I’m sure that’s not what tough guy Charlie Manuel has in mind for an ace on his pitching squad. Let’s not forget he got bumped not to 2nd but 3rd on the rotation after “Clown from the DR’ Pedro Martinez ( I love that guy) and rightfully so. Hey Cole, at least you have Cliff Lee on your squad now to look up to and want to be like when you grow up. I guess Cole’s baby face matches his personality.
No. 3 LeBron James
That was a foul!!
Yes, the king…well actually in order to be a king, you have to stop acting like a spoiled rotten prince or even princess. Every time this guy touches the ball, he expects to get a call, make the bucket, and somehow get awarded 5 extra points for just being LeBron… and he gets 3 assists and 2 rebounds, all at once. Has there been any other player in NBA history that has LeBron’s sense of entitlement? The worst thing is that after he learned that people will label him as a cry baby earlier in his career when he constantly complained, he now makes his coffee boy Mike Brown do the complaining for him (you really think Mike Brown coaches anything in Cleveland?). I don’t think anyone will ever forget the end of the Magic series last year when he went off after getting thumped crying into the locker room without being a man and shaking hands with his competitors. In all honesty, the Cavs should have been swept in that series, LeBron hits a lucky 3 at the buzzer that once or else 4-0 Magic. Yet, we never dwell on any of this because The Chosen One is saving the NBA, one tear at a time.
No. 2 Eli Manning
I pooped my pants and I want DADDY!!
The first time I ever heard of Eli Manning was when I heard his retched shrilling cry from his nursery complaining about his milk being too cold, and not wanting to play for the San Diego Chargers. Who has ever been so cocky and whiny at the same time about being selected #1 overall in the draft and making millions of dollars to play football? Eli Manning. He was so public about his dislike for the Chargers doing all these stupid interviews with his daddy standing next to him and crying into a camera about nothing. His face induces crying in the heart of even the most ruthless killers. Even though he won a super bowl, he has won multiple crying bowls, after every loss. It’s great to be a Manning! Daddy, a legend in New Orleans. Big Brother, arguably the best quarterback in the history of mankind. Eli? Number 2 on this list and his legendary cry on draft day is still resonating through the galaxy destroying small planets space creatures every day.
No. 1 Eldrick Tont Woods
Stevie: "It's ok Tiger, we'll have some warm milk at the next hole"
Two reasons he tops the list: First, golf is not a sport as reported in our earlier article “Top 10 sports that really aren’t sports” , and to have someone whine and cry so much in something that makes you sweat as much as the person watching you on TV is ridiculous. Second, in lieu of yesterday’s news that Woods was in a one car accident, hitting a fire hydrant and then a tree, with no airbags deploying ( which means he was probably going less than 30) and the cops claiming that alcohol was NOT involved goes to show how much we let Mr. Woods off the hook for what he does. I sincerely hope that alcohol was involved, because if not, he could be having seizures or the cops need to check out his basement for a meth lab ok. People don’t just run into innate objects pulling out of the driveway. He swears like a cheap hooker after every bad tee shot, and pouts himself to the next location. He even threw his golf club into the crowd recently. Are you kidding me?? What did the guy who got clunked in the head say? Nothing. He probably laughed just like every one else and moved on. Why? Cuz El Tigre is held up so high above us he can do whatever he wants…even cry us a whole ocean full of tears and still be the apple of our eye… Next time you get hit with a club, how about you throw it back at Tiger’s head good ol’ boy, or give him a spoon full of Castor oil just like the good old days. That will keep him from crying…for a while. So without further a due, Tiger you are awarded cry baby of the decade, listen to you prize: