Watch out...he's prickly
Buttheadsports.com sources have informed us that the 7 ft center of the Cleveland Cavaliers Shaquille “Shaqtus, The Diesel, The Big Witness Protection etc..” O’Neal has now in fact turned into a REAL cactus. Our informants have attributed the transformation to nightly wishing upon a star by O’Neal as well as following the old saying “If you really put your mind to it, you can be anything you want”. “Shaq has been meditating for years to achieve this ultimate goal” our Cleveland insider reports. “This is the real reason his wife divorced him” she added. The Cavaliers have been trying to hide this information from the public, as they have listed Shaq on the injury report for the past six games with an injured shoulder…
Ok, now take everything in the previous paragraph metaphorically, except for the injury part. Shaq has been out for the past six games due to injury. And really, is that surprising to anyone? Shaq has been around forever, has won every award and championship a basketball player could want, he got everything from basketball, and basketball has also taken from him. He really is now just a shadow of the dominant player he used to be. His body has broken down and his “skills” have diminished, as anyone might imagine. The thing that intrigues me the most is that the hype following Shaq hasn’t died down one bit! I’d argue it has increased over the years. Thanks to the over hyping media, Shaq was somehow viewed to be the missing piece in Cleveland….really? A 37 year old center is the missing piece to the championship team? O’Neal has really struggled early on this season, he is noticeably slower, committing more fouls and just looking old. “It’s early in the season” people tell me, and that’s why I am even more concerned. He is this tired, slow and injured this early?! That can not bode well for later on in the year. Now if this were baseball, Shaq would be awesome. He could be the Mariano Rivera of the NBA…come in in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter and clog up the lane. Let no one pass! He could put a lock down on ‘D’. We all know basketball doesn’t work that way.
One thing that Shaq does have going for him, better than ever before, is his entertainment value. He was always entertaining, but ever since his game went way south (arguably with the Suns) his antics have risen to a new level. The human bowling, the air swimming or surfing or whatever… the list goes on and on, even dueling with LeBron for pregame supremacy…and that’s where it gets sad, once the game actually starts…so forgive me for switching back over to our insiders now for their inside scoop on Shaq’s latest transformation, I like that part of this story better.
We can now confirm that O’Neal will not be released by the Cavs, instead they have inserted a giant planter at the end of the bench where Shaq will be placed for every home game, and might be pushed on to the court in order to prickle the opposing team’s arms in blowouts. No word on if the rest of the league will agree to the Cavs proposal for Shaqtus planters on the road….(the truth is what you want it to be).