You are manly even like this Jose

Who would have ever thought that after all the dust cleared, that Jose Canseco would be standing tall … baseball and all its sluggers, even the comish Bud “Fifi boy” Selig crumbled at his feet… but that’s exactly what has happened. “He’s doing it for the money” when he published his book talking about steroid use in baseball and how he and Mark “Cry Baby” McGwire used to shoot up in the bathroom. Everyone hated him, everyone shun him and outcast him to the deepest realms of space… slowly but surely, he made his way back. The truth pulled him back in.

How awesome must he feel now? After all, he was alone in his boat, the boat of truth. Even with all these “star” players admitting steroid use now after years of denial, in their tearful, misty glowing Diane Sawyer interviews, they don’t tell the whole truth. For the love of God people will someone stand up and be a man? I guess all those years of roiding up really did shrink their balls, especially McGuire; he must have a little wilted purple fig down there. After all that, it seems that the fans really don’t care anymore…

And why would we? I’m fed up with the “outraged fans”, the people who think the records should have asterisks and all that bull…the truth is, the biggest fans are also to blame for this! Fans are the reason these games, and let me stress that word again GAMES, are so big… Don’t lie to yourself, the 1998 season was the biggest, greatest, most entertaining season in baseball history. 3 guys chasing history, battling every night, jacking up homers and getting jacked up themselves (Griffey Jr. now looks like the best slugger of all time btw right now, I’m delighted he has a belly and can’t run anymore as a reassurance he is clean). THE FANS LOVE IT! These guys get paid millions of dollars a year for what? To hit a ball with a piece of wood, or to throw a ball into a peach basket or to throw a loaf of bread to each other before someone else breaks their face… The fans love steroids ok, because it gave us the best entertainment.

So my question is, why do we care if they took steroids? Why do we test, and why need to? The integrity of the game you say? There is no such thing anymore. We pay our hard earned cash to watch athletes ENTERTAIN us, so why not let them do whatever they want for our entertainment? Movie stars get paid huge dollars because they make things for the “regular” person’s enjoyment. NOT because their service to the world is so important that we need to keep them happy…the complete opposite…in reality, they need to keep us happy. If the world were fair I think doctors would be the highest paid people on the planet, then maybe that guy that fixes my pc etc… If you want to see passion and integrity in the game, go watch a pickup game at Rucker Park, or on some empty field in Cleveland … don’t go to a pro game. If I’m gonna pay $100 to watch a baseball game, there better be someone juiced up, pummeling balls out of the park! If you want to play the game with integrity i.e. boringly, then make tickets $5 max and I’ll go get drunk and go home.

Something doesn’t add up…OOOOHHH ya I forgot … $$$$. They can’t charge us $5 to watch Kobe play at Staples… how is Dr. Buss going to pay for his Bentley? Silly me! This inflated currency in pro sports is a vicious cycle, players get paid more, ticket prices go up, teams get more revenue and so on and so forth, till you get JaMarcus Russell with $30 mil guaranteed money to be a 6′7″ moose on the field. Let him roid it up and I’d pay $200 to watch him then, a 6′7″ 375 lbs brick wall just running through people and jumping from the 20 yard line into the end zone… wouldn’t you??

This would never happen to you in juiced up land J. Marc

That’s why at the end of the day, I think that Jose Canseco should be the commissioner of baseball. He doesn’t look like a toxic waste experiment like Bud, and above all, he out of all people, is a real man. Remember people, there’s no crying in baseball.

A real photo from after the FL-ALA game

In the wake of the Florida loss to Alabama last week in college football, the question on everyone’s mind is not who will win the Heisman trophy, or how will Brian Kelly fair as the new Notre Dame coach, it is obviously “Who will Jesus stab in the back during bowl week?”. We all know that the Savior and Tim Tebow’s personal friend, Jesus, obviously favored Alabama over Florida in that game, as was revealed when Alabama RB Mark Ingram thanked God at the end of the game, proving that the All Mighty was indeed the 12th man for Alabama in that game. We all know how Jesus used to favor Michael Chang in his tennis matches against Andre Agassi, and Michael used to point to the sky to thank Him. Andre has not forgot this and has spilled the beans on God in his new book…talk about a grudge.

My question to Hey-Zeus is WHY??!! Tim Tebow is a devoted christian, and has spent countless hours, days and years of his life devoted to you and your teachings. He teaches the gospel and even spends his time circumcising unsuspecting African boys in the summer time. He wears his now iconic eye black with bible verse references … maybe we should have looked closer… the verse he had in that SEC championship game was John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” If we read that closer we might have seen that Tim Tebow himself knew that there was going to be “tribulations” and maybe he even knew that he would be betrayed….just like Jesus knew back in the day….wait a second… is Tim…Jesus??!!!

I can not deny or confirm the rumor that Tim Tebow is in fact Jesus, but there is definitely speculation…and if he is, then did he technically back stab himself?? In any case, Jesus will lead the Gators against Cincinnati in their bowl game… and the end question is still, will he have time to go and sabotage another bowl game for some other religious quarterback? Watch out Colt McCoy, even when you’re not playing him….Tebow is there…

The origins of Tiger Woods.

I was serving my dogs some succulent canine food while listening to ESPN news on TV and I was abhorred by the “reporters” discussing Tiger Woods. Until a few days ago I thought he only crashed his car into a mailbox or something, and I got worried. Not for Tiger, but for his car. Because I said: “Man, I wonder which one of his cars he trashed? ” Then the staff at Buttheadsports.com started to receive reports from various news organizations (from Facebook to Twitter) about:   Mr. Wood’s marriage,  GEICO auto insurance,  Tiger running away from his wife because she was armed with golf clubs that were used to smash the car,  how cool are those cavemen commercials,  infidelity, etc. etc.;  we were stunned. The media circus around this story is just pathetic at best. All the speculations surrounding  Tiger, as well as the predictability of ESPN to follow up on these every hour , has emboldened the cause of Buttheadsports.com which is to deliver unfiltered real news sports. Here we don’t care about Tiger Woods marriage problems and all that drama. We only care of how bad ass his name really is. I mean think about it, as a kid your name is Tiger and you’re cool for life.  To this  matter, our janitor “Rob” changed his name to “Panda”.

Panda, formerly known as Rob

Now ESPN is reporting as a headline story that Tiger Wood’s mom and mother in law were at the site of the crash and millions of dollars are being offered to his wife to stay in the marriage, etc. To our colleagues of ESPN.com news service we would like to say: “WHO CARES!!?? We strongly encourage them to report on impact stories such as: Are the Packers football helmets made out of real cheese; and what is its nutritional value?

Have a tall one for Jimmy V and Cancer

ESPN’s ‘Have a beer’ week, formerly known as ‘Jimmy V’ week has now officially begun. Jimmy V week was originally established to serve the purpose of raising awareness about cancer and to promote donations to cancer research in order to help rid us from this horrible disease that claims the life of millions each year. The Jimmy V week had been enormously successful in its earlier years due to the illness and eventual death of Jimmy Valvano due to cancer, but in recent years, participation and interest in the cause has diminished. “People don’t really remember Jim anymore, all the younglings that are watching ESPN these days are usually high school drop outs and don’t even know what cancer is” says one butthead sports insider. “They pronounce it as ‘Kan-ker’ … those <explitive> bastards! <crying> They don’t know what it’s like! <crying>” when the interview was abruptly ended.

A producer for a new campaign told us that with the new HD TV’s in almost every household, showing the old footage of Jim Valvano rallying the troops is “Nasty” and she also added “It looks like he never brushed his teeth”. She claims that we need a new approach to the issue, we can’t have people thinking “this guy doesn’t have cancer, all I can see is dandruff”. That’s why this campaign is huge. The new wave of thought is to limit Jimmy V’s exposure to only the critical moments, and instead incorporate young children, hot women and maybe even a combination of both holding a cute animal, preferably dogs.

That is only the beginning. “We are not only trying to get sympathy through our special features that air on ESPN” adds the producer, “We are trying to get the viewer to experience extremely intense emotions for the people we feature, like this first kid that lost his vision in BOTH eyes to cancer and is describing his last moments of seeing, visiting the USC Trojans etc…and then…BOOM! Our most important aspect of the campaign…beer commercial!” This is the perfect time to bring comfort to the viewer after putting them on an emotional roller-coaster and playing their emotions like a fiddle, and since its cancer, it can’t be a happy ending. People will be stressed out, and once we show them a tall Miller Lite commercial, they will be running to the bar or liquor store and getting blitzed. Some people may ask what this has to do with cancer research, and the answer is simple. We have come to an agreement with the beer giants, that we will charge them an arm and a leg for these premium ad spots, and 20% of their fee will go to the Jimmy V foundation for cancer research. Not only that, but 20% of beer revenue reported this week will also be donated.

The authorities are also in on this new campaign. DUI arrests will go way up, and now violators can decide whether to go to jail for a week, or pay $200 as a new “community service violation fee” which will also be donated. “If we don’t act aggressively on this issue, everyone’s gonna have cancer before we find out how to stop this mother”. Plus if people drink more beer, they might get liver cancer and then they would care. We’re discussing a deal with major cigarette companies as well for the same purpose.

Moral issues you ask? How can you play with people’s emotions and feelings? “F – em” says the producer… “It’s cancer God damn it! If crack commercials were legal we’d air them for the cash we’re getting here”…

DISCLAIMER: In all seriousness, cancer is a serious illness that has claimed the life of multiple members of my own family, and this article is obviously completely fake. However, I did watch the feature this morning on ESPN abt the blinded young boy, and there really was a Miller Lite commercial RIGHT AFTER the piece, and that got me thinking….could this campaign be real? I felt like I needed a beer at 8am after that…Help out cancer research.

Athletecism at it's very best

While taking a dump this morning, I got to thinking. Peyton Manning pulled out another comeback win yesterday for the Colts over the Houston Texans to continue yet another undefeated start to a season. I was not impressed, and in my opinion, neither was Peyton. Since we have no way of contacting Manning, and “his people” would probably blow us off anyway if we did, I had only one choice. In my concentrated state of mind, I was able to telepathically connect with Peyton, and this is what I heard….

Well WillyDunka, we did have a close game yesterday, but our key players seem to some up big in big situations. We were struggling in the first half, as the Texans were playing some good D, but after the break we really had a turning point on a phantom 43- yard pass interference call by the refs. That was a really difficult play. Not every ref can pull that off. We’ve gone over it in practice and we just hoped that there was a defender in a 5 yard vicinity for the ref to really be able to show his talent and skill. The refs have been big all year, and this is just one of the big plays they are capable of. Every one plays a role.

We couldn’t have done it without some help from opposing teams defensive coordinators though. They have been giving us a hard time in first halves of games, but then as the game winds down, they have in turn pulled off incredible feats. I mean, all we do is pass, don’t they look at the film? Play some cover-2 a little, maybe some zone blitz, a couple of mixes in between, but what’s up with this all out blitz and the ever popular “none defense” where they just let Dallas Clark catch a 5 yard slant and go for another 50. I don’t even know the name of our running back. We need some practice here. I’d like to thank Bill Belichick for stepping up and calling that 4-2 play to take the pressure off of the def coordinator from actually calling good plays on the next series.

Most of all, I really attribute my outstanding play to the DSRL – Double Stuf Racing League. People underestimate how much rigorous training it takes to eat those things. They are REALLY stuffed man. You need some serious tongue action there. What people don’t understand is that my jaw and neck muscles have become so powerful that I am really intimidating the defense when I step up to the line looking like a bulldog neanderthal. These are the subtle differences that only a top professional athlete really works on and understands. Plus that oreo goodness makes my teeth black to be even more intimidating.

… I (WillyDunka) awoke after that and found myself wearing a Peyton Manning jersey and reading the “Indiana Chastity Belt Daily” newspaper, and felt compelled to bring this news to the nation before the Colts play a team in the cold outside or before they run into a team in the playoffs that actually plays pass defense. Some people may claim that this never happened, but I know what heard…and it wasn’t because I was constipated.

We don’t always get our way. Not at work, not at home, not even with our friends. Life isn’t fair, and even though sometimes we may deserve more, we have to make best with what we have. Wait a minute….I sound like “a man”, as in “take it like a man”. Someone who is responsible and stands up to their problems. Someone who doesn’t whine and cry about every misfortune in life…I admire people like that, and even though they tend to get the short end sometimes, they still have their dignity. On the other hand we have the cry babies : A group of whiny little bastards that think they are entitled to everything. For some reason, they are the chosen ones, and they will cry and squeal and pout until they get what they want…or get beaten up.

Sports is the ultimate medium for cry babies. Its such a grand stage to complain about calls, officials, game times, other teams and even your own team! We have had so many cry babies in sports that it is impossible to compile all of them into a list of 5, so what I did was create a list of current cry babies that are seldom regarded as such, since they are darlings in the eyes of the main stream sports media, but in reality are some of the biggest whiners ever. Hold on to your butt cheeks, you might be surprised…or have to pass gas.

No. 5   Serena Williams

WAAAAA!!!

Venus Williams explodes on to the tennis scene in the finals of the U.S. Open at the age of 17…. The Williams name is now known and is a household name. Oh! There’s another one of them, Serena. Serena “one-ups” her big sister and wins the U.S. Open at the age of 17. She goes on to win titles and grand slams, holding all 4 at one time. Serena is arguably considered  the better Williams tennis player now, and the bigger cry baby. Serena’s temper tantrums are well known. She constantly complains about opponents, officials, crowds and calls. Most famously the recent call at the U.S. Open that caused her to get her panties into such a bunch that she basically charged the line judge, pointing fingers, yelling and threatening. I can only imagine the conversation, but here is an excerpt of my imaginary threat ” … I ….” actually, I take that back, Serena you’re great, everyone loves you (she might be reading this and now I’m scared she’ll find out where I live) …

No. 4 Cole Hamels

I'm farting gold dust...sniff it!

“World” Series MVP Cole Hamels everyone! Let’s all welcome him to this beautiful occasion! Cole come on out! …<clapping continues, no Cole>… <announcer into earpiece> “Where the F is Cole” … <response> “He had a bad pitching practice, and he’s crying backstage wanting his mommy” … That’s an exact re-enactment of what Hamels did this post season. What a difference a year can make. He had been having a rough year, but instead of gutting it out, and trying to step up to the occasion, he stepped into his crib and started crying and complaining that he “just wanted the season to be over”. I’m sure that’s not what tough guy Charlie Manuel has in mind for an ace on his pitching squad. Let’s not forget he got bumped not to 2nd but 3rd on the rotation after “Clown from the DR’ Pedro Martinez ( I love that guy) and rightfully so. Hey Cole, at least you have Cliff Lee on your squad now to look up to and want to be like when you grow up. I guess Cole’s baby face matches his personality.

No. 3 LeBron James

That was a foul!!

Yes, the king…well actually in order to be a king, you have to stop acting like a spoiled rotten prince or even princess. Every time this guy touches the ball, he expects to get a call, make the bucket, and somehow get awarded 5 extra points for just being LeBron… and he gets 3 assists and 2 rebounds, all at once. Has there been any other player in NBA history that has LeBron’s sense of entitlement? The worst thing is that after he learned that people will label him as a cry baby earlier in his career when he constantly complained, he now makes his coffee boy Mike Brown do the complaining for him (you really think Mike Brown coaches anything in Cleveland?). I don’t think anyone will ever forget the end of the Magic series last year when he went off after getting thumped crying into the locker room without being a man and shaking hands with his competitors. In all honesty, the Cavs should have been swept in that series, LeBron hits a lucky 3 at the buzzer that once or else 4-0 Magic. Yet, we never dwell on any of this because The Chosen One is saving the NBA, one tear at a time.

No. 2 Eli Manning

I pooped my pants and I want DADDY!!

The first time I ever heard of Eli Manning was when I heard his retched shrilling cry from his nursery complaining about his milk being too cold, and not wanting to play for the San Diego Chargers. Who has ever been so cocky and whiny at the same time about being selected #1 overall in the draft and making millions of dollars to play football? Eli Manning. He was so public about his dislike for the Chargers doing all these stupid interviews with his daddy standing next to him and crying into a camera about nothing. His face induces crying in the heart of even the most ruthless killers. Even though he won a super bowl, he has won multiple crying bowls, after every loss. It’s great to be a Manning! Daddy, a legend in New Orleans. Big Brother, arguably the best quarterback in the history of mankind. Eli? Number 2 on this list and his legendary cry on draft day is still resonating through the galaxy destroying small planets space creatures every day.

No. 1 Eldrick Tont Woods

Stevie: "It's ok Tiger, we'll have some warm milk at the next hole"

Two reasons he tops the list: First, golf is not a sport as reported in our earlier article “Top 10 sports that really aren’t sports” , and to have someone whine and cry so much in something that makes you sweat as much as the person watching you on TV is ridiculous. Second, in lieu of yesterday’s news that Woods was in a one car accident, hitting a fire hydrant and then a tree, with no airbags deploying ( which means he was probably going less than 30) and the cops claiming that alcohol was NOT involved goes to show how much we let Mr. Woods off the hook for what he does. I sincerely hope that alcohol was involved, because if not, he could be having seizures or the cops need to check out his basement for a meth lab ok. People don’t just run into innate objects pulling out of the driveway. He swears like a cheap hooker after every bad tee shot, and pouts himself to the next location. He even threw his golf club into the crowd recently. Are you kidding me?? What did the guy who got clunked in the head say? Nothing. He probably laughed just like every one else and moved on. Why? Cuz El Tigre is held up so high above us he can do whatever he wants…even cry us a whole ocean full of tears and still be the apple of our eye… Next time you get hit with a club, how about you throw it back at Tiger’s head good ol’ boy, or give him a spoon full of Castor oil just like the good old days. That will keep him from crying…for a while. So without further a due, Tiger you are awarded cry baby of the decade, listen to you prize:

Watch out...he's prickly

Buttheadsports.com sources have informed us that the 7 ft center of the Cleveland Cavaliers Shaquille “Shaqtus, The Diesel, The Big Witness Protection etc..” O’Neal has now in fact turned into a REAL cactus. Our informants have attributed the transformation to nightly wishing upon a star by O’Neal as well as following the old saying “If you really put your mind to it, you can be anything you want”. “Shaq has been meditating for years to achieve this ultimate goal” our Cleveland insider reports. “This is the real reason his wife divorced him” she added. The Cavaliers have been trying to hide this information from the public, as they have listed Shaq on the injury report for the past six games with an injured shoulder…

Ok, now take everything in the previous paragraph metaphorically, except for the injury part. Shaq has been out for the past six games due to injury. And really, is that surprising to anyone? Shaq has been around forever, has won every award and championship a basketball player could want, he got everything from basketball, and basketball has also taken from him. He really is now just a shadow of the dominant player he used to be. His body has broken down and his “skills” have diminished, as anyone might imagine. The thing that intrigues me the most is that the hype following Shaq hasn’t died down one bit! I’d argue it has increased over the years. Thanks to the over hyping media, Shaq was somehow viewed to be the missing piece in Cleveland….really? A 37 year old center is the missing piece to the championship team? O’Neal has really struggled early on this season, he is noticeably slower, committing more fouls and just looking old. “It’s early in the season” people tell me, and that’s why I am even more concerned. He is this tired, slow and injured this early?! That can not bode well for later on in the year. Now if this were baseball, Shaq would be awesome. He could be the Mariano Rivera of the NBA…come in in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter and clog up the lane. Let no one pass! He could put a lock down on ‘D’. We all know basketball doesn’t work that way.

One thing that Shaq does have going for him, better than ever before, is his entertainment value. He was always entertaining, but ever since his game went way south (arguably with the Suns) his antics have risen to a new level. The human bowling, the air swimming or surfing or whatever… the list goes on and on, even dueling with LeBron for pregame supremacy…and that’s where it gets sad, once the game actually starts…so forgive me for switching back over to our insiders now for their inside scoop on Shaq’s latest transformation, I like that part of this story better.

We can now confirm that O’Neal will not be released by the Cavs, instead they have inserted a giant planter at the end of the bench where Shaq will be placed for every home game, and might be pushed on to the court in order to prickle the opposing team’s arms in blowouts. No word on if the rest of the league will agree to the Cavs proposal for Shaqtus planters on the road….(the truth is what you want it to be).

IF he even considers for a second thinking about taking the Notre Dame job. I will replace the logo on the site with his face forever! Why would he want to demote himself? Notre Dame has been a big time program since the beginning of time. It has won championships and set all the records…in the past. Right now, it’s like an aging man. It’s starting to stumble, trip up a little and getting weaker. Heck the name “Notre Dame” used to be an easy seller for new recruits. The Golden Domers with all their might and power want ME to play for them. Easy sale. Now, not so much. I think any kid would prefer to go to a “modern” big time program like USC, Florida, Ohio State, Texas etc… Hell, even Michigan has fallen out of the ranks.

Yes...I am this cool

So what to the Irish do (after punching their own QB in the face over the weekend) ? They try and be the Yankees. They try and go out after the biggest names in the coaching world, just like the Yanks bought themselves a championship this past year by buying Sabathia, AJ, Texiera et all, the Irish are trying to buy themselves some Urban. Thing is college sports is not the pros. Urban Meyer doesn’t need your money! 6-years $24 Mil is quite nice, especially for an empire that he built. And herein lies the real point. Let’s look at this from an academic point of view… When you graduate from college, and you are recruited by a big company (let’s say IBM), you could take the job and be happy to join corporate America and carry on the greatness of IBM. On the flip side, if you graduate, and decide to be an entrepreneur, build your business and grow with it, till it ultimately flourishes and is regarded as a top of the line company, why would you leave that to go to work for IBM? It makes no sense. Urban Meyer built Florida. Florida IS Urban Meyer. When he “graduated” from coaching Utah, he built his own path, his own legacy. Wouldn’t it be stupid now to go and “join” Notre Dame? Become a corporate guy? Yes it would be.

That’s why Notre Dame need a “fresh graduate” so to speak. Someone looking to come from a program that is considered 2nd tier in the college football world (Cincinnati, Stanford, TCU …) and that they feel they must “graduate” from already. That’s the only way the program will get anyone with great passion and enthusiasm to get the job done without putting even more pressure on themselves. Let’s just hope that people in South Bend are ready to be more patient than those folks in Ann Arbor….which probably won’t happen…ah the vicious cycle

How many times have we all wanted to see “the game” on TV and when we tune in the sports channel we are left in awe at the ridiculous program they are transmitting because it ain’t even a sport.  I mean, come on seriously.  The whoring of sports lies heavily on the corporate sponsorships and media venues that support this vicious cycle.  Usually we are not disturbed when we are talking about major sports such as: Football, Basketball, Baseball, Tennis, etc., being sponsored and broadcasted, but it gets to a point that it’s just ridiculous. I am referring to when you see some of  these so called “sports events” with huge sponsors and somehow make it to TV on channels that label themselves as “The Worldwide Leader In Sports”. So, in honor of ESPN  killing the fabric of sports by the specious use of this word, here are the top 10 broadcasts  that we all know since kids are just  games.

10- Golf

We don’t care what you think, but Golf is not a sport.  Not only because this sort of rhymes, but also because when you think about it its not.  You swing at a ball which is basically the only physical activity involved and you drive a mini car to where it is, oh and you have a caddie carrying everything for you.  I have seen players walk towards the spot where their shot was at, but this doesn’t count either.  Unless Golf becomes competitive, by constricting time and forcing the players to run from hole to hole while carrying their stuff instead of driving around, it will not be a sport.

The athleticism of ping pong

9- Ping Pong

Did we think we were athletes as kids, by playing ping pong?  Did we go to school or wherever and gloated amongst our friends how good we were at this sport or had a sports jacket for it? Or were we considered awesome by the coach or the ladies for having ninja skills with a ping pong paddle?  The answer is NO!

8- Curling

Having played Curling in the middle of nowhere, also known as Minnesota, I had a good time, but it’s not a sport.  I can’t believe it is an Olympic event when all you do is throw a stone that glides through ice, while the other members of your team are using a broom to sweep the ice in front of the stone to reduce friction.  Although this activity can improve your skills at cleaning floors efficiently (which is why I will marry a Canadian or Finnish woman),  it obviously does not fall under the category of sports.

7- Billiards

This game certainly requires geometric skills, and the people we have seen on tv playing billiards are very talented indeed.  But let’s leave that for the bars and not for TV.  If you can play a game at a Bar for a dollar it ain’t a sport.

6- Bowling

Since I was a kid, I loved bowling. Now, when I see people on TV having a perfect game I am impressed.  I am not impressed however, by the fact that the athleticism of this sport lies on the beer belly of whoever is having that perfect game.

5- Fishing

Just have a bait, a hook, a string and a stick.  Then go on a boat and try to catch something.   Congratulations I just saw you for 4 hours on ESPN doing all these complicated things.  Give me a break!

4- Poker or any other cards game

I don’t need to watch a couple of douchebags sitting around a table wearing sunglasses and staring at cards for hours and listening to the commentators say how much skills those individuals have.  It’s a freaking cards game.

3- NASCAR

Great, if you watch this on TV you are a real moron.  You are basically celebrating people that drive around a circle for hours. PERIOD!!

Ultimate Fighting Kids: What Spelling Bee should have as a final match.

2- Spelling Bee

This would only be a sport if they had the nerdy spelling bee champion with glasses fight a tall school bully from his/her classroom.

1-     Watching ESPN

Listening to these “experts” or “analysts” talk about the obvious, like how one team needs to score more than the other to win the game, is depressing. With all seriousness I think these people should be at the jobless line getting government coupons, not on TV.

Watching ESPN air all these games under the name of sport is an abomination.  In the coming years ESPN will bring you the following sports to your tv:  hide and seek, playing with a stick, who blinks the fastest, who eats the fastest (which has already happened by the way), who claps the loudest, extreme hopscotch, among others.

Jose Canseco was one of these players that back in the day you thought he was going to be great. But later on he was a hot potato, everybody was trading him, and Canseco was all over North America. In Oakland to Texas, to Boston, to Oakland again, to Toronto (Canada), to Tampa, to NY and Chicago.

Obviously during the 90’s the economy was so awesome that we could trade goods and services for dollars or Canseco. Among Canseco’s many accomplishments were: dating Madonna (a walking Petri dish), arrested with his brother for a nightclub brawl (probably due to ‘roid rage), arrested for trafficking illicit substances and accused of hitting women (apparently his stats are more impressive in this department)  instead of baseballs.  Here at butthead sports.com we would like to congratulate Jose Canseco for publishing a book of sorts that not only sheds light into the obvious rampant use of steroids in the MLB, but by also showing us that Canseco would prostitute his name and others for the mighty “peso”. Sources told us that he was planning on writing a second book on baseball and steroids again. Unless the book reveals that Canseco’s manhood drifted away from his body due to shame, we don’t recommend this book.